Observations of a Virginal Vampire
by ICMezzo
Summary: Edward is spending his 92nd consecutive mating season alone and he's pretty sure it's time for a change. Vampires. Rated M.
1. Chapter 1: On the demerits of April

**Observations of a virginal vampire**

**Chapter 1: On the demerits of April**

_A/N: Just a little vampy crackfic fun. This is a few chapters long. I'll try to post one per day._

_Thanks to TwilightMundi for betaing!_

_Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. Rated M. _

* * *

Edward hated spring.

After all, spring was mating season. And Edward...well, he was mateless. Matefree. Unmatable.

For the 92nd year in a row, Edward was the anti-mate.

Unfortunately, while Edward was, to put it gently, mate-ably challenged, the rest of the world was very much not during this most lovesick time of year.

But while knowing the birds and the bees were getting it on was one thing, it was quite another to be surrounded by a household of horny vampires giving into their animal instinct with such regularity that Edward could set his watch by their orgasms.

Edward was sick of it.

And possibly a little jealous.

After all, what was so wrong with him?

His...parts...were sufficient for mating, he was sure of it. They sure worked well enough when he took them out for a little solo spin. But even if they had not functioned appropriately, how would anyone have known? No one had ever been close enough to find out.

He knew he wasn't exactly bad looking either. The change had ensured his attractiveness. Not that he had a lot of competition anyway. He was the only single male vampire in the Northwest quadrant of the United States. Even if his jawline had been a little less defined, his lips slightly less perfect, or his hair a tad less...well...fuckhot, he still should have been handsome enough to attract another vampire.

And obviously the problem wasn't his sparkling personality. Edward could quote obscure philosophers, converse solely using multi-syllable terminology, identify every serious piano work after hearing two or fewer measures, and could identify the tracks of nonnative species from a distance of more than 300 yards.

But despite all of these things, Edward had never made love. Hell, he'd never even had sex, dammit. He was an erotic neophyte, a tadpole in the giant pond of sexual knowledge. And it drove him crazy.

The squirrels up in elm out back were busting their nuts, while Edward's were sorely neglected. In fact, all of the natural world around him was doing the hanky panky whereas Edward was stuck with... a hanky.

Edward sighed. He could have dealt with it though, had it only been the wildlife that was climbing on top of each other with such abandon. But the fact that his family members insisted on participating in this rite of spring put him over the edge.

Edward tried to block out the constant sexual cacophony that inundated his mind. Not only did his extraordinary sense of hearing ensure that he heard every single intimate sound that went along with what Carlisle termed "special couple time," but the fact that he could read the six minds that were alternately fucking and being fucked meant that blissful ignorance was not so much an option.

He kicked the coffee table as he passed through his living room, frustrated by his lot. Television was out. It wasn't enough of a distraction. In fact, there were few ways Edward was able to reasonably mitigate the inundation.

For example, he could play the piano really, _really_ loudly. If he played something complicated and dissonant enough, it temporarily distracted him from his amorous surroundings. And if he played something ridiculously cheesy, such as a bit of bad musical theater, and sang along, there was actually a chance the various couples coupling would cease their activities, get dressed, and emerge from their rooms to ask Edward to stop. (He didn't have the best voice.) This gave Edward, on average, a blissful seven minutes of mental quiet before his family members returned to their prior engagements. Even as much as Edward hated "Bushel and a Peck," it was worth it.

Another option was running away. Edward did this often. When his patience ran out, he would bolt from the house and run until he hit the ocean or the highway, at which he had to pause and look both ways before crossing at human speed, or even the Canadian border, which, despite the fact that he always carried his entirely believable, if completely fake passport, around with him this time of year, he still felt guilty crossing illegitimately. But Edward could only run to Canada and back so many times a day before becoming bored, lonely, and a bit uncomfortable due to the poor arch in his new sneakers. Plus, he didn't think the windblown look did very much for his hair.

Edward's final option was simply giving in to the situation at hand by taking things... in hand. After all, if he couldn't beat 'em, he could...beat it.

Granted, Edward didn't like this option very much, because he felt that he was succumbing to peer pressure. He wanted to rise above the rest of his coven, to be known as the sole Cullen who was human enough to deny his animal instinct to… thrust. And...merge. And perhaps...thrust again.

Aloud, Edward prided himself in his self-sufficiency and looked down upon the others in his adopted family for giving in to their baser instincts. But even he recognized it was a good thing he was the only mind reader in the house, because that was total bullshit. He wanted to fuck.

Edward swallowed. It was barely noon. He'd already visited the Pacific ocean, played all of Ligeti's etudes, sung the theme song from Oklahoma two dynamic levels higher than suggested, and pulled his cold pork more than once and he wasn't in the mood to do it again.

Of course, that last part wasn't 100% true. It _was_ spring, and he _was_ a vampire. Of course he was in the _mood. _But he refused to shift his stick again before midday lest another single vampire stumble across the Olympic peninsula and find him running on empty.

But let's face it. No vampire was going to cross his path. He didn't have that sort of luck. And Alice would have seen it coming. And in the meantime, Edward was left to his lonesome, his head overrun with images of parts he was starting to think he'd never experience except through the visions of others.

It was enough to make him decide to spend a little quality time with his right fist.


	2. Chapter 2: On displeasing moisture

**Observations of a virginal vampire**

**Chapter 2: On the displeasing qualities of moisture**

_A/N: Many thanks to TwilightMundi for betaing. Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. Rated M. Enjoy! _

* * *

Overcome by his surroundings, Edward decided to head up to his bedroom.

This, however, was not so simple for Edward as it may sound. After all, it meant passing by the bedroom doors of three pairs of rutting vampires along the way.

The first was the easiest of the three. It was Carlisle and Esme's room.

Edward still disliked passing their space, of course, because at such close proximity, he had trouble fully blocking out the activities occurring on the other side of the closed door.

This time, as he approached, Edward groaned to discover that Carlisle was going down on Esme. Esme was understandably thrilled with the activity. Edward, however, had trouble with the image of his normally regal father engaged in such messy behavior. It was so... moist. Must everything drip so very much?

He shuddered and hurried past, pausing only to psych himself for his travels past the next suite in the house, which belonged to Rosalie and Emmett.

This was inevitably worse, if for no other reason than that they were so extremely loud. Even Rosalie's thoughts were loud. Edward was unable to block the "Oh, fuck me, Emmett! Fuck me hard!" that ran through her head on a repeated loop at an ever increasing volume.

Spending time in Emmett's head wasn't much of an improvement. His mind was consistently obsessed with the curvature of Rosalie's various body parts. Edward wanted to throw up a little listening to him go on about the shape of her ass, her hips, her breasts.

Did Emmett not care one iota for angles? Vampires were meant to be angular. Sharp. Hard. Yes, Edward thought, angles were clean, crisp, and far preferable to that "soft" nonsense Emmett was always going on about. He scoffed. As if a vampire could be soft.

Edward plugged his ears and dashed past their room, glad that Rosalie's mouth was at least filled with Emmett's rather thick cock as he did so. This meant Edward didn't have to deal with hearing both Rosalie's actual voice _and_ her mind crying out for more of Emmett's impressive erection.

But seriously, again with the _wet!_ Vampire skin was smooth as marble; it didn't need to be wet as well. Rosalie's behavior was just bad manners, all that slobber obscuring the phenomenon that was the perfection of a vampire love muscle. Bad manners indeed.

The last set of rooms, those belonging to Alice and Jasper, were the worst. Edward tried not to turn around and head back to the living room just thinking about it.

After all, Alice inevitably sensed Edward coming and would react by doing things to Jasper that made him cry out in pleasure, as if to remind Edward exactly what he was missing.

And then Jasper couldn't help but send wave after wave of lust and eros in every direction.

It was enough to make crossing very hazardous for Edward. The first time he'd done so, not knowing what to expect, he was caught with his pants down.

Edward grimaced recalling that day. Alice kept saying things like "I hope you're in the mood to do laundry," or "You might want to keep a Kleenex on hand today" throughout the morning, and as much as Edward tried to pick her brain for more information, she kept her thoughts tightly under wraps. She'd even said, "It's a good thing you're quick," which at the time made absolutely no sense to Edward. Of course he was quick. All vampires were.

So Edward was indeed surprised when he found himself paused later that afternoon outside of Jasper and Alice's door so overcome that he whipped out his cock, and stroked it furiously until he came all over his hand while listening to the sounds of Jasper moaning while Alice fucked him with a strap-on. And it was just his luck that Esme had come up the stairs soon after; Edward had barely had enough time to pull up his soiled pants prior to her arrival.

Edward had learned that day that venom wasn't the only thing capable of scaring a vampire.

Recalling this most unfortunate experience, Edward tried to recall if Alice had dropped any hints that he might be unable to get past her and Jasper's door again today. He supposed not, seeing as he hadn't spoken to Alice since the end of March because she'd been otherwise engaged in her bedroom.

So Edward guessed he was safe to pass by if he hurried and under no circumstances pulled out his erection in the hallway along the way.

He gave a quick listen to take stock of the activities going on in this most risky of bedrooms. Well, it wasn't the worst thing he'd ever witnessed. Sure, Jasper was handcuffed to the desk chair he was bent over, but at least Alice wasn't fingering him like he enjoyed so much. Edward always found that scene a little harder to ignore than he liked. Instead Alice was simply hopping about teasing Jasper with some sort of oversized fluorescent pink feather.

Edward couldn't understand why Alice couldn't ever just be still, and moreover, he was truly puzzled about why she always chose such absolutely tacky props. If Edward was the one having sexual relations with Jasper, he'd surely choose something more classy; something high quality, handcrafted by local artisans who earned fair wages, for example. Not like the sorts of ridiculous items Alice chose. Even the handcuffs were fuzzy. Fuzzy! Vampires didn't need fuzzy. Just like they didn't need soft. Or overly wet, for that matter.

Edward rolled his eyes at such ridiculousness. That said, he rather liked rolling his eyes and often did so for far less than the use of a magenta faux feather on aching vampire flesh.

So Edward concentrated on his love of the effective facial expression that was the eye roll while he began the last leg of his journey to his bedroom. And everything certainly started out okay, but he was forced to slow to a metaphorical crawl when he was hit with a particularly intense cloud of lust thanks to the fact that Alice had begun tracing along the length of Jasper's shaft with her toy.

Truth be told, the wave of emotion was nearly enough to bring Edward to a complete halt. Even as it was, he couldn't help but palm himself as he pressed on. But press on he did, determined to make it to his room. He'd come this far and as eager as he was to reach his completion, he was hesitant to do it again in the hallway after nearly being caught by Esme last time.

Of course, last time it hadn't been April, Edward realized. In April, Esme and Carlisle and Rosalie and Emmett were all quite unlikely to emerge from their rooms for several days at a time if left undisturbed. The odds were quite in his favor.

Edward stopped to consider how good it might feel to be under Jasper's influence while he took care of business.

Stopping, of course, was Edward's mistake.


	3. Chapter 3: On disgrace of public nudity

**Observations of a virginal vampire**

**Chapter 3: On the disgrace of public nudity**

_A/N: Just a reminder, this is vampy crackfic, and there's quite a bit of everything thrown into this short little story. I'll continue to post daily as I am able. _

_Thanks so much to Missyfits for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing._

_Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. Rated M. _

* * *

As soon as Edward stopped in the hallway outside of Alice and Jasper's door, Alice saw several events unfold before her: namely, Edward dropping trou and yanking one out until a confused Carlisle stumbled out of his bedroom to try to ascertain why Edward was furiously polishing furniture in the hallway.

Edward knew this, of course, because as soon as Alice saw it, he picked it out of her head.

The thought of being caught again by someone who was for all intents and purposes a parent, was enough to get Edward moving again toward his room. It's not that Edward didn't like Carlisle or Esme, he just didn't particularly care for their presence when his pants were around his ankles in the hallway.

But then, Edward was having trouble imagining exactly who he would want to see under those circumstances. Eventually Edward decided he would wish to see his mate, but that vampire still remained a mystery, and Carlisle was a highly inappropriate stand-in. And Edward was certain he deserved the real thing.

So with this thought, Edward took another step toward his bedroom, more determined than ever to make it there without incident.

But with Edward's resolve, Alice's visions changed again and Carlisle no longer made an appearance—a factor that made Edward wonder if making to his bedroom was such a priority after all. He_ was_ sorely tempted to experience a release while under Jasper's influence, imaging it to be highly satisfactory compared to what had become a rather perfunctory act on his part.

And with Edward's indecision, Alice again saw a clueless Carlisle arrive in time to catch Edward, in the hallway, with his candlestick.

And so it went, the two locked in a most improbable loop.

Ultimately, it was Jasper who broke the spell. Having gotten tired of being handcuffed while Alice stared off into space trying to see his voyeuristic brother's future, Jasper finally pulled off the metal cuffs, picked up Alice and tossed her onto their bed, fell down on top of her and used every trick he knew to keep her mind fully focused on himself, including a triple dose of lust with a side of desire.

Alice, distracted, stopped watching for Carlisle's ill-timed arrival.

And Edward likewise fell prey to the emotion emanating from the room.

For a vampire atypically fond of over-analyzing every possible consequence of every possible action, throwing caution to the wind was a highly irregular occurrence. But Edward was not lost totally within the lusty haze; his typical drive to give everything he did 110% was very much present. So with his typical zeal, he leaned back against the wall, removed his judiciously pressed jeans and color-coordinated underwear, and abruptly tossed them to the ground, finding the pile of clothing on the floor sexy in a spontaneous sort of way.

Edward wasn't one to take things slow, valuing efficiency above matters such as teasing or getting warmed up. And so, without preamble he began to stroke himself furiously.

As he did so, he listened specifically for Jasper's vocal reactions and tried to tune out the rest of the sexual cacophony around him.

Edward had decided long ago that he would prefer to mimic Jasper's vocalizations when he finally had sex, because he found the other vampire's reactions quite pleasing. The high pitched keening of Alice, for example, held very little appeal to him. The same was true of Esme's gaspy sort of whimpers. Jasper, however, he found to be both descriptive and succinct, yet with just enough growl to remind Edward of their animalistic tendencies.

Edward wasn't going to last long, but he felt no shame in this, thinking himself extraordinarily talented; vampires were _supposed_ to be fast. Plus, he wasn't necessarily interested in hanging out longer than necessary in the upstairs hallway when he was...hanging out.

So, as he quite enjoyed the influence of intoxicating emotions emerging from the room, Edward became more engrossed in his actions, and after hearing a particularly encouraging groan on Jasper's part, Edward gave himself a few extra pumps and well-placed tug and came almost immediately.

It was the most intense orgasm Edward ever had, thanks in part to his very limited experience, but mostly due to Jasper's emotive abilities. Afterward, caught offguard and slighly overcome by such intensity, Edward slumped down in the hallway, certain that it was completely within his right to close his eyes and bask in the afterglow for just a moment or two.

Or three.

Or maybe even four. It was hard to tell.

In fact, it was only when Carlisle eventually tapped him on his shoulder that Edward once again realized where he was, and that he was slightly less clothed and far more semen-y than appropriate for public viewing.

Edward mumbled an apology as he scrambled to his feet and hurried to redress. Carlisle found this to be insufficient, however, so Edward was also forced to knock on Alice and Jasper's door to say he was sorry for getting off listening to them get off. It was awkward to say the least.


	4. Chapter 4: On a meeting of the minds

**Observations of a virginal vampire**

**Chapter 4: On the necessity of a meeting of the minds**

_A/N: There will be a short wait until the next chapter because I get to go have some superfun (read: totes sucky) surgery tomorrow. W00t! Anyway, I should be able to pick back up w/ the daily chapters again at the tail end of the week (forgive me, I just like saying "tail end") or over the weekend._

_Thanks to TwilightMundi for betaing. And thanks for all of your reviews. I'm glad I've been able to inspire a few giggles. As always, Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. Rated M. _

* * *

Edward couldn't take it.

All he could hear was panting and sucking and sexing and coming.

Rinse and repeat.

All. Month. Long.

He'd reached his limit. Mating season or not, Edward had a right to coexist in this household, and that didn't mean hearing Emmett lick Rosalie's breasts for the fourth time since noon, or listening to Carlisle come on Esme's stomach, or Alice whine for Jasper to add another finger yet again.

Edward was tired of short-lived distractions that were largely inadequate to begin with. He was bored of the piano, uninterested in playing computer games against himself, and tired of always having to be the one to run away to Canada. And he was even beginning to weary of his solo sessions.

Not that they weren't plentiful and pleasurable in their own right, but Edward could tell; compared to what the others were experiencing, he was definitely missing out.

Yes, Edward had a breaking point, and this was it.

So he did what any other frustrated vampire would do under the circumstances.

He took a deep breath.

And then he yelled.

At the top of his lungs.

And when he was out of air, he did it again.

In truth, it was nothing terribly articulate; more of a general "Arrrrrghhhhhhh!" but it proved effective as some minutes later several pairs of freshly clothed vampires came running into the kitchen where Edward was standing to find out what was the matter.

"I'm putting my foot down," Edward said, when all were gathered. "No more sex!"

They looked at him with eyebrows raised for approximately four seconds before turning to disperse back to their rooms.

"No! Wait!" he cried, blocking the doorway. "I'm serious!"

Esme patted his shoulder and gave him a caring glance before trying to push past him. Sure, she was the mother figure, but Edward was no child. He knew how spring worked. And Esme understandably wanted to get back in bed with Carlisle.

But Edward held firm. "I'm calling," he said, pausing for dramatic effect, "a family meeting."

A chorus of groans erupted from the mated pairs. The Cullens had long ago agreed to sit down and talk things through rationally when a family member called for a meeting. It was a necessary part of having such strong and diverse personalities together under one roof.

Edward had played the "family meeting" card, a rather low blow, so they trooped into the dining room and sat, looking impatiently at him to begin.

Suddenly, Edward wasn't sure exactly what to say. So he started with the obvious.

"It's not fair," he said. "I _hate_ April."

"Edward, there are plenty of vampires out there. I'm sure everyone is just as excited as you are to pair up—even if just for the month. It doesn't have to be serious," Rosalie suggested.

Emmett agreed. "Tanya has a thing for you. And she's hot. Run up to Alaska for a few weeks."

Edward wrinkled his nose. He didn't care much for Tanya. They had nothing in common.

Jasper watched Edward, puzzled by his unusual reaction. It was odd for a vampire to think of Tanya, who verily dripped of sex, and not feel a stirring of arousal. But Edward simply gave off waves of general disinterest tinged with slight quantities of disgust. Interesting indeed.

Jasper had a theory—one that existed in the minds of more than one of his family members—and decided to test it carefully, without forming concrete thoughts about it, so as not to freak out the slightly skittish Edward. "How about Kate? She's pretty."

"Isn't she dating Garrett?" Edward asked, remaining unconvinced that the Denali coven held his answers.

"Nope, they broke up, which makes sense when you think about it," Alice replied with a small smile. "She wasn't Garrett's type."

Edward could understand that. She wasn't his type either. Garrett, on the other hand, well, he hadn't ever met him, which was too bad. Clearly, they had things in common.

"Can we go?" Rosalie asked, standing and pulling Emmett to his feet.

Edward pouted. "No."

But Carlisle nodded. "Edward, soon enough everything will return to normal. I suggest you find something to occupy your time. What did you do last year?"

Edward thought back. Last year he'd hidden in the Forks library for the month, where he read every single tome, except for their small collection of romance novels. He'd been intrigued when he'd first seen the covers, as he'd not been aware that human males could be so muscular, but when he'd read three books in a row largely concerned with petticoats and English teas, he'd grown bored and moved on to texts on 19th century European history, which ironically, was also concerned with the same topics.

"I read," he told Carlisle. "A lot."

"Well, perhaps we could order some new books for you," Carlisle suggested. "Surely we could find something for you to do."

Edward shook his head. He didn't want some_thing_ to do. He wanted some_one_ to do. He said as much.

"Here, let me book you a ticket to Alaska, dear," Esme offered. She was wanted to help, but mostly she was anxious to end this meeting and get back to doing the nasty.

Edward declined as politely as possible while using the words "hell no."

Alice yanked Jasper to his feet and climbed on his back piggy-back style. "Well, you say you want sex, but you won't travel to Alaska to get it. So clearly you don't want it that badly."

"But I do!" Edward insisted. "Just not with...them."

She raised and eyebrow at Edward, before turning her attention back to Jasper, whom she slapped on the ass and urged to the stairs with a "Come'on, I wanna ride my cowboy!"

After they'd left the room Esme spoke up, ignoring Alice's antics except to file the idea away for her and Carlisle's use later that month. "If you don't know what you're looking for, how will you know if you've found it?" She kissed him on the head and headed out of the room, wiggling her hips as she went to hasten Carlisle's own departure from the impromptu meeting.

"Edward, it's only April second. I suggest you find something to occupy your time for the remainder of the month," Carlisle said, patting Edward's shoulder as moved to follow after Esme. "Good luck, son. You can do it."

Edward sighed. If he was doing it, he wouldn't be in this mess.


	5. Chapter 5: On a strong first impression

**Observations of a virginal vampire**

**Chapter 5: On the importance of a strong first impression**

_A/N: Daily posting resumes now! (And, yes, surgery went well, and things are healing as they should.)_

_Thanks so much to TwilightMundi for betaing. And thank you for reading this little story! I love hearing your guesses as to the conclusion._

_Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. Rated M. _

* * *

Edward stormed out of the house. His family was absolutely useless. Did they not care one iota that he was in desperate need of physical love?

Ninety-two years. It had been _92 years. _Emmett considered 92 _minutes_ a dry spell. Yet he offered no sympathy to poor Edward.

Edward stomped through the woods, frightening the small animals along his path, indulging in a bit of a pity party.

Okay, a massive pity party. Too bad he was the sole attendee.

Edward started putting a bit of extra oomph into his steps, needlessly snapping twigs and kicking rocks as he went. If he wasn't having sex, he preferred the nearby woodland creatures to remain celibate in solidarity with him—at least until he was out of earshot.

He wasn't paying a good deal of attention to his direction, but neither did it surprise him when he reached his destination—his favorite meadow.

Edward spent plenty of time in the meadow. He often read sitting on the fallen log along the eastern rim, he'd climbed the large pine to his right when he was trying to stay out of a passing shower, and he'd jacked off more than once in that soft bit of brush along the southern edge. He had long ago cataloged the angle of every tree branch, location of every bird nest (occupied or otherwise), the scent of every variety of flower, and the look of the tall grass in the sun from every angle as it moved across the sky.

Therefore, he realized immediately upon his arrival that there was indeed something very different about his meadow on this particular April day.

And so Edward hid behind a tree, and squeezed his eyes shut while pinching the bridge of his nose, as he often did in the presence of things unsettling, uncomfortable, or in any way different from his usual routine.

In this case, the presence of a vampire he did not recognize along the far edge of the meadow was all three, so Edward clamped down on his nose extra tightly.

Once he'd taken a moment to think matters over, Edward decided that the other vampire must simply be lost and in need of some direction. After all, there was little of interest in Forks for a vampire, or anyone else for that matter. Plus, for a vampire unfamiliar with the area, there was always the risk of encountering the absolutely reeking pack of odorous werewolves that lived nearby. Yes, it was best that the vampire moved on quickly. No one with perfect recall needed to have that scent hanging around in their brain for the next several centuries or more.

So Edward released his nose and opened his eyes, deciding to offer help, thereby aiding the stranger while simultaneously reclaiming his meadow. (It was a nice meadow, and Edward was attached to it. Also, he wasn't fond of the idea of the vampire examining the area too closely because Edward wasn't absolutely certain he'd hidden his latest issue of "Men's Health" adequately in the underbrush.)

Edward peeked around the side of his tree to gaze across the meadow at the other vampire. He noted instantly that he was especially handsome, even for a member of the typically beautiful undead.

Edward was certain that this fact should have bothered him; the last thing he needed was competition for mates that might pass through the area. Yet, it did not. Instead, Edward found this to be an attractive quality. So also was the vampire's mind, which Edward quickly understood was quiet though spirited, and satisfyingly brilliant. Also, it was the first mind he'd encountered in days that wasn't fully obsessed with having sex with one of his family members.

Edward felt a sudden urge to befriend the stranger. He wondered if the other vampire might want to stay a few days before continuing on. Perhaps they might be able to play video games, or Edward could show the vampire his organ—er—piano.

He stepped out from behind his tree. "Hello. I'm Edward Cullen," he introduced himself to the figure standing across the field.

Then, before Edward realized what he was doing, he found that his mouth was still moving and for some reason he was still talking to the vampire. "I can identify the tracks of nonnative species from a distance of 400 yards."

Edward was lying. He could only do so from 300 yards. And that was the moment Edward knew something was different about this other vampire. He'd never before felt such a distinct urge to impress another of his kind.


	6. Chapter 6: On the art of compromise

**Observations of a virginal vampire**

**Chapter 6: On the art of compromise**

_A/N: As always, many thanks to TwilightMundi for betaing. Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. Rated M._

_Thank you for reading! And now... let's find out who Edward meets in the meadow, shall we? _

* * *

_Edward stepped out from behind his tree. "Hello. I'm Edward Cullen," he introduced himself to the figure standing across the field.__ "I can identify the tracks of nonnative species from a distance of 400 yards."_

_Edward was lying. He could only do so from 300 yards. And that was the moment Edward knew something was different about this other vampire. He'd never before felt such a distinct urge to impress another of his kind._

...

The strange vampire nodded and proceeded across the field to where Edward was standing.

"I'm Garrett," he said, holding out his hand to Edward.

Edward's brain went to work, combining what he'd previously known of the nomadic vampire with the creature standing before him. A split-second later than he should have, Edward finally responded, placing his hand in Garrett's. The other vampire's hand firmly enveloped his own. Clearly, Garrett was no pianist relying on a delicate, nimble touch. His hands had a different strength to them.

Edward didn't know what to say next. Vampires didn't typically discuss the weather, or the upcoming Mariners' game schedule. His mind raced for a suitable topic. As the seconds passed in silence, Edward felt his mouth grow dry and suddenly he found himself longing for a little extra moisture to help unstick his tongue from the floor of his mouth.

Edward noticed that other vampire's mind was blank, but at least this realization gave Edward a topic of conversation.

"I read minds," Edward informed Garrett.

"I know," Garrett replied.

Edward cocked his head. "How? Do you also read minds?"

Garrett answered before Edward had a chance to become too worried that the other vampire had been reading the thoughts jumbled in his brain. "No. But your ability makes you somewhat famous."

Edward nodded, pleased. He wasn't opposed to being famous.

"That's why I'm watching my thoughts around you," Garrett explained, breaking what had quickly become another awkward silence.

"Oh, you don't have to do that," Edward assured him. "I've heard all manner of inner imaginings. Certainly, yours wouldn't bother me."

"Really?" Garrett scoffed. "Anything?"

Edward smirked. "Anything. No need to censor yourself."

Edward thought this to be the truth, as very little surprised him anymore. But then Garrett started imagining a few scenarios that Edward had not exactly been expecting, which shocked him enough that he dropped Garrett's hand, which he'd inexplicably still been holding, and took a few steps backward, tripping over a stray tree root in the process.

Ironically, one of Garrett's scenarios involved another artificial feather, although this one was at least a more acceptable deep green color, which Edward noted was quite complementary to his own skin tone in the vision.

But before Edward could pinch his nose and close his eyes in order to fully process the vampire's thoughts, Garrett spoke. "I'm gay."

"I, uh, yes. You just made that pretty clear." Edward cleared his parched throat. "But I thought you were with Kate."

"It didn't exactly work out," Garrett grimaced. "She wasn't my type."

"Nor mine," Edward mused.

"I had hoped that was the case," Garrett said casually.

"Are you lost?" Edward asked suddenly. Why had Garrett come here anyway? Edward wasn't fond of tripping in front of strangers and didn't appreciate the subsequent embarrassment he was currently feeling.

As Garrett shook his head no, Edward watched the sun reflect against the vampire's skin.

Edward frowned and turned to walk away.

He hated spring, but this was the worst April ever. First, his family had completely disregarded his needs, and now this stranger was here disrupting his life and thinking thoughts that Edward was certain were simply designed to tease him for his virginal status.

"Where are you going?" Garrett stepped up beside him.

Edward shrugged. "You've ruined my meadow with your mockery, so I'm not sure."

"Mockery?" Garrett asked. "When was I mocking you? I just put myself out there and you shot me down, and you think I'm mocking you? Whatever. I thought you might be the right one, but Tanya was right. You are an ass."

Edward watched Garrett turn to walk away. He'd never before been so unsure of a previously drawn conclusion. It bothered him no small amount. Plus, he was dying to point out that he wasn't an ass. But then he heard Garrett say words he'd never before heard another vampire utter.

"I hate April," Garrett muttered.

"Wait, what?" Edward asked, running to catch up. "_I _hate April."

"Year after year of meaningless sex. It gets old," Garrett replied.

"Oh, like you have it so bad. I'd take meaningless sex over my hand and a sock any day," Edward grumbled.

Garrett stopped to look at him and instantly an image flashed through Edward's mind. Garrett was imagining his right hand converging on Edward's cock, and there wasn't a sock in sight.

Edward blinked as Garrett offered a quick apology.

"You don't have to apologize," Edward said.

Garrett scoffed. "Yes, I do. You're not interested, so I shouldn't think those things around you."

Edward thought for a moment. He wasn't necessarily uninterested. After all, Garrett was attractive. And he had nice big hands. And he liked the way Garrett's voice was very deep. And he smelled a little like the forest and a lot like something else entirely, though Edward was unable to identify it. But Edward liked a good puzzle, so he sort of hoped Garrett might hang around long enough for him to place the scent.

But despite all of these things, he was quite uncertain. So Edward decided they had better get to know each other better before he made up his mind. He offered to start.

"I play the piano," Edward said. "I prefer mountain lions to bears. I dislike Forks because the humidity does terrible things to my hair, but I stay here because my family likes it. Once I accidentally read three romance novels. And I dislike excessive moisture, inefficiency, and softness."

He paused. "Oh, and I'm not an ass," he tacked on for good measure.

"Well, I am a nomad. I have problems being punctual. I don't read much because books are hard to carry around with me, but I listen to audiobooks," Garrett said, pulling out his iPod and showing it to Edward, who eyed it appreciatively, before Garrett continued. "I don't really think you're an ass. And I like things nice and hard. Oh, and I think moisture is sometimes very, _very_ necessary."

Edward licked his lips. "I suppose I could compromise on that last one."

"That'd be best," Garrett replied, stepping closer to Edward.

Edward watched as Garrett's lips closed in on his.


	7. Chapter 7: On late blooming Epilogue

**Observations of a virginal vampire**

**Chapter 7: On late blooming (Epilogue)**

_A/N: __Thanks so much to TwilightMundi for betaing. __Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. Rated M. _

_More at the end..._

* * *

Edward heard Carlisle coming down the hallway toward his room, but disregarded his approach.

Sure enough, moments later, Carlisle rapped lightly on his door. He cleared his throat. "Edward, it's time to come out now."

"No!" Edward called back. "I'm busy."

Edward's voice was slightly muffled by the blankets over top of him, but he knew Carlisle could still hear him clearly enough.

"Edward, I mean it. Why don't you get dressed and come downstairs?" Carlisle asked.

Edward ignored Carlisle and resumed his previous activities.

Carlisle coughed. "Don't you need to hunt? It has been awhile..."

Edward paused to reply. "No, I'm good."

"Well, Jasper is completely overwhelmed by the emotions coming from in here, Emmett's dying for someone to play computer games with, and Alice is freaking out because you seem to have disappeared from her future—almost like you've decided never to leave your room ever again," Carlisle said.

Edward remained silent as he took a moment to appreciate the beautiful irony.

Finally, Carlisle sighed into the silence. "Look, Edward, it's time to come out. April's been over for weeks now."

Edward smiled and shrugged. "We got a late start. We'll be out in June," he called to Carlisle.

But then, gazing down at Garrett who was lying naked beneath him, full of angles and hardness so becoming of vampires, Edward changed his mind. "Or possibly July."

It really just depended on how efficient they were.

* * *

_A/N: __Unfortunately, at this point Edward's observations are no longer virginal, so our little tale has come to an end. I do hope you've enjoyed spending a few days with Edward in this silly little crackfic. __And who knows? Maybe one day down the road Edward will be back with some new observations. He certainly has enough thoughts to share and he isn't opposed to being famous, so...?_

_I really do appreciate that so many of you seemed to get a kick out of this Edward's voice. It was terrific fun to write such craziness. So t__hank you so much for reading and reviewing and laughing...and maybe subscribing to Men's Health._


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